Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
