My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
