Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
