take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize