She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
