My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize