I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
