Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Randomize
