I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Randomize
