Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
