I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
