Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
