Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
