First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
