just come out here and I will go home with you...
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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