1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
