the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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