Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
