WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
