Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
