just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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