Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
