I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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