so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
