Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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