why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
