It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
