Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
