How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize