The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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