I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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