Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
