everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
