The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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