omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
