grandma shit on top of the toilet
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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