Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
