well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
did you just send me my own nude
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
