Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
