whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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