"it" just moved
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
