I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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