Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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