Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Let's get the cat blown out
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
