Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize