Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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