Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Randomize
