listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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