I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
