When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
