after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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