Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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