so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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