Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
