Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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