Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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