Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I cannot find my penis.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
