all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
there is puke in my bra ... again
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