we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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